Enough

When I woke up today, I had no idea just how mentally hard it would be to find contentment. Some days are that way, struggling to get out of my head, and put one foot in front of the other. Slowly the fog creeps in and skews my positive nature. It's not depression. It's not my sugar being low. No, it's something I've struggled with a lot in the last few years. It's the nagging fe
eling that I am not doing enough. My contribution financially is nonexistent and I feel guilty for putting all the burden of working on Brad's shoulders. Today I found myself defeated, that I am simply a freeloader, doing nothing to pull my weight and bring in an income.

More days than not, I'm satisfied with my role as 'Momma', raising strong children with good morals. I'm grateful for the one income we have, because there was a time I remember clearly that there was no income. Still, my mind wandered to the place that is so lonely and dark. My thoughts turn into self-doubt and regrets. "I am not doing enough." I spend hours online looking for some kind of easy work I can do to help bring in money to offset some new debts. I find a few things that pique my interest but I have no experience and an inability to commit to set hours. "I am not doing enough."

I get up from the computer and head to the back porch for some sunlight. It's noon and I'm hardly aware of what surrounds me. Crossing my legs under me, I take a deep breath and pray. Simply asking for guidance, for wisdom, and for contentment. Bowing my head, I just want to cry because this attitude hurts my heart. In the stillness of the Louisiana heat, I try to clear my mind and just let God speak to my soul. Then... it comes to me. The words that I had so longed for. Just a simple thought that stopped my aching and discouraged mood.

"You prayed many times for his job. Is it not enough?"

Oh God, you have tugged at my heart with this! This job Brad has IS enough! Why am I wanting more? Are we being spoiled, thinking we deserve more than the blessings we have? Is this life NOT good enough?

I took a deep breathe and headed inside to 2 of the kids playing nicely for the first time in what seems to be days. I let the thoughts of discontent stay outside in the summer sun to fizzle and burn away. Today I will grateful for all that we have, and I will not place my value in what I can deposit into our checking account. Instead, I'll focus my time on the job that I also prayed years for that God has orchestrated into being. And that job is Momma.